ACT 1

The opening scene is set at "Castle Bunthorne", where Bunthorne, an aesthetic poet, is explaining to twenty love-sick maidens the mysteries of love, which, he asserts, can be cured by proper medical treatment.  They listen to him with adoration, but he remains insensible to their passion.

He loves Patience who is a simple dairy-maid.  She has no time for poetry and has never loved anyone except an aunt.  Her understanding is that true love must be "utter unselfishness".

Officers of a regiment of Dragoon Guards arrive and their Colonel now introduces himself and them in a rollicking, boastful song.  The previous year, they were all much beloved by the twenty maidens, but now they are accorded a different welcome - Bunthorne has "idealised them" and "their eyes are opened" much to the disgust of the Dragoons.  When alone, Bunthorne admits being a sham - only feigning aestheticism to gain admiration.

Patience remembers a boy who was her child-companion, and when Archibald Grosvenor - another poet - appears, she discovers it is he.  They love each other, but Patience, in the belief that true love is "utter unselfishness", thinks she cannot marry one so perfect!  Bunthorne, distraught at not having Patience's love, has decided to put himself up to be raffled for, but just as the lot is to be drawn, Patience in her "utter unselfishness" says that she will marry him because "she detests him so"!

The disappointed maidens then return to the Dragoons, but when they see Archibald Grosvenor, immediately transfer their affections to him because "he is aesthetic!" - Bunthorne is jealous, and the Dragoons disgusted again.

ACT 2

The unattractive Lady Jane bewails the lot of maidens who have been in that state too long.  Grosvenor is now adored by all the maidens, but he is somewhat annoyed by their attentions for they have followed him since Monday.  He pleads for "the usual half holiday on Saturday".

Patience, meanwhile, muses upon love and Bunthorne, deserted and consumed by jealousy, finds he still has one faithful admirer - Lady Jane. She implores him not to wait too long, but Bunthorne is determined to beat Grosvenor on his own ground.  At last the rival poets meet.  Bunthorne threatens to "curse" Grosvenor unless he consents to cut his hair and become quite commonplace.  Grosvenor outwardly appalled, but secretly relieved, consents to become an "every day young man".

Now that Bunthorne is happy, Patience, in her "utter unselfishness", breaks her engagement.  Upon Grosvenor's return, in a tweed suit, she realises that since he is now a commonplace young man, she can marry him.

Bunthorne finds that the twenty love-sick maidens have returned to their soldier-lovers and he then decides to console himself with the portly Lady Jane.  But the Duke of Dunstable, desirous of marrying a plain woman, has already claimed Lady Jane, so Bunthorne is left without a bride!